The Feeling of Denial

You thought there is that one person who would be proud of you and tells the world how much you love her and how much you want to stay  with her but eventually he's the first one to deny. Deny the love in the relationship. Denying each other is as much as nothing. Denying the presence of the other means it's not love at all.

The feeling of denial is anger, frustrations and changes toward the other. The relationship is purely lust and not love at all. Denial is just love for the self and not for each other. Denial is not accepting the other. Denial is pretentious and love does not grow. Denial is using each other instead of helping each other. the feeling of denial is a pain inside waiting to burst because it hurts more than being stabbed. It's a betrayal. The person is a traitor and just thinking of what's good for him. What if you are being denied not just once but many times? Would you still accept him? Would you still forgive him? 

The Dark Days Have Returned

When you feel everything's alright on the outside. It does not feel right on the inside It separates you from yourself. It worries you much. It worries you of everything around you. It worries you of people who are close to you. It does not feel right at all. You think people can change the way you feel when you are not yourself anymore. You feel scared of nothing. You feel sad of nothing. You feel angry of nothing. It just stays there.

Why can't you just go away and leave me. Please let me be happy. For once, one important person is willing to fight you. He will defeat you and you'll be forever be gone. I know he's inside me. He will continue the battle within me.

You are now half the shadow that I've met long ago. A shadow that's been trying to kill me over and over and over. When that day comes that you'll be defeated. Everything's going to be normal for me and to everyone else around me.

The days are turning dark again but I can still see the light. You just appear out of nowhere, then suddenly you change me but now I can fight you with that special person's help. I'll be back soon and that, I am sure of. 

When Senses Fail

The senses are used in order to understand what one sees, hear, smell, taste and feel. Yet if senses are just merely for tangible things then it just limits what the person wants to  know. It limits them of what is really needed to feel, see, hear, taste and feel. For instance the sense of sight is just for the use of seeing what is around. How about using the eyes as for perceiving what the object really is, or what is beyond that object. How was it made? What materials did they use  to that object. It doesn't mean that if you see a plate it limits to just one shape, color or even its use. Plates can be used for putting food on it, can be a collection to hobbyist or it can just be displayed. The senses are used for multi-purpose tasks. They can be used simultaneously. Senses will help you realize that there is beyond everything else either tangible or intangible.

It maybe sometimes that senses can make mistakes such as what you saw made you conclude that it is what you really saw. Sometimes senses fail to inform you about what is around you. It fails to give you the idea of what you want to know instead it just gives you empirical and not quantitative. Senses is about what's in front of you. It's better if senses and beyond senses can be used.

The Rain Songs

I miss the rain. I miss how it falls on my head as I walk home alone. I miss how frogs croak altogether and just stare at their peeking cute heads on the pond. As young girl before I remembered how the frogs sing together when it rain for days. There's plenty of them but now I can't even hear one.

The rain reminded me of old friends getting our clothes wet just walking by the road while other people seek shelter. They were avoiding the rain  while we were enjoying it. Our clothes are wet yet we were enjoying ones company

The rain reminds me of the house sitting we did years ago. I can smell the barbecue being prepared by the terrace after the strong rain. We were just waiting and watching movies day and night.

The rain reminds me of happy, catchy songs that makes my heart happy and full of life. Today it rained. It made me remember things and also makes me what to do this things again with someone important and special to me.

Hello Summer Finn!

I checked out some of my journals for the past 2 years and I found something that I would like to share with my blog. It's about my comfort movie, 500 Days of Summer. I love Zooey Deschanel so much. Here's how the journal goes. "This is a story of a boy meets girl but you should know upfront this is not a love story."

"Everytime I feel sad I think about a lot of things so that my mind will not be occupied by my downed emotions. I would love to do things that would not make me sad. Writing is number one on my list, but the most common thing that a girl does is to eat and I do that sometimes, then watch movies that are sad, romantic movies and if not sad let's say animal flicks. First on my list is 500 Days of Summer.

I can see the reality on Summer Finn. I see how she fell in love and denied it. She knew she was in love. She's just not sure enough. Summer is fun to be with. She's smart. She's everything a guy wants, but the problem was she never found it with Tom Hansen. She wasn't sure about him. He got bored of him, so she cut of everything with him and just be friends. He doesn't want to be friends with her. He needs to forget her, but he wasn't able to do that. He's still expecting that she would return. She got enganged and that is the start of the changes he wants for his life. He quit his job as a greeting card writer and pursued what he took in college, architecture. He read and reviewed architecture. He passed his works to different companies but he was rejected. He did not lose hope, until he and Summer met again at his favorite park. She's married. This is the part I got sad.

They talked for the last time. Exchanging goodbyes, hopong for the best and happiness for each other. Reality check for him he thought she was the girl for him, but maybe there is someone waiting to be known and that is how the movie ended. She met Autumn, his competition in applying the same job.

When I reflect on the film, I realized that you can cut my hair anytime and eventually it will grow back. You will meet people and some will go. They may return or they may not. Chances are there is that one person out there that's waiting to be found and waiting to be known."

That's how the journal goes and 500 Days of Summer is still and always be my comfort movie. Summer did not believed in love at first maybe because it's not him that made her realize that love really exist. Just like what Summer said to Tom, I'll just paraphrase it. " It just happened. I woke up one day and I knew.. what I was never sure of with you. . I was sitting at a deli reading Dorian Gray. I guy comes out to me and asked me about it. Now he's my husband. So what if I've gone to the movies or gone somewhere else for lunch. What if I've got there 10 minutes later. It was meant to be. I just kept thinking Tom was right.."

Woman! Are You Still There?

There was an experiment made from a neighborhood regarding domestic violence. I am not sure if it was in Africa and I was disappointed with the result. One man had set up a drum set inside his house. He then started to bang the drums real hard. You know what happened, just two minutes of playing the drums. Neighborhood started knocking his door. Telling him that he’s disturbing the neighborhood. On the second day of the experiment, he had some recorded domestic violence such as shouting to one another, throwing of stuff, crying and hearing the pain while the woman is physically abused. What happened? He played it for five minutes. There was not even a knock or a shout from the neighborhood was being heard. The lights from the other houses started to turn off. The recording went for 5 minutes. What am I trying to point out here is to be aware to whatever is happening not just on women but also be aware of what is happening around us. Please do care! 

I used this speech during the celebration of International Women's Month on March 8 for Women's Organization, Kaisa Ka.  I was late so I wasn't able to join the march but when they're doing the open speech campaign they called me. I panicked at first. I don't know what to say I asked one of the active org mate. She said that to tell them that you are thankful that they were able to join the celebration. I had my notebook with me and started to write after two minutes. She called out my name. More panic came because I wasn't able to make the speech. I started to give out my greetings and I can feel my lips and hands trembling while holding the mic. Thank goodness I was able to make a post in Tumblr about how women should be treated, by the way I represented the youth here in the city. It was great I've done the speech and my stand towards women's rights.

Anyway March 8 was a success except for the strong rain that came after the last march around 3pm. Women who joined the march are of different status and from different places. Women from working class such as vendors joined. Call center agent, students were also there  Men were also there to join the celebration. 

Woman is not yet truly free from the struggles she's trying to fight. She will keep on fighting. She wants everyone to be aware of what's happening to her. She wants to be heard. Please listen to her.

Happy International Women's Month everyone!  

The Man Who Moved Me

Rarely you ever meet a guy who had intentions of knowing you. Rarely you ever meet a guy who wants to see you again and not thinking of what he really wants if you know what I mean.

He's a guy beyond my expectations, unpredictable, funny, smart, spiritually faithful, and everything my opposite. He's a man you rarely see and meet, have a talk, made sense and you'll agree because it's true. He's a guy you thought as the same as others. Well that was what I felt at first. I could not trust him. I had inhibitions and hesitations about this guy at first. When I started talking about things I know he wouldn't care of or may think weird. He listened. I can see he's interested to what I am saying, then I stopped talking because I wouldn't know if I can trust him. He stared at me, really hard. I looked away from him. He stared so uncomfortably like he wants me naked. I feel like covering my chest when he stared at me like that. He wasn't talking much that time. He wants me to talk more, but I don't talk much. I know it's the first meeting. Hours went by and he made me feel comfortable and yes the rest is history in a positive way.

I thought he wouldn't want me anymore. Yet he did. He initiated the communication though I don't want it as. He insisted. I like him too but I don't know how. What really changed me the most inside was when he had the "talk" with me. I've seen how he talks. He talks seriously with a bit of humor. He knows what he's talking about. He talks with full honesty without pausing. He keeps repeating important words so that I may remember and I did. He say things in positive way. He's so sure of everthing he said to me. He doesn't use the words expecting or hoping. He wanted things to happen. He understands how my emotions change rapidly.

He changed a part of me. He made me see the daylight again. He believes in what I can do. He made me stronger now. His hugs are the most powerful tool he used on me. He's like an angel covering me with his wings protecting me from anything negative and bad. He moved me like no one does. A move far from my imagination. It's magical, spiritual, romantic, surreal, artistic, colorful, musical and most of all loving. He made me smile more. He made me laugh loud like what I was doing before. He's a miracle. He's the man who moved me.